BROKENNESS.

(THIS IS JUST A ROUGH DRAFT OF MY TESTIMONY. THERE ARE A LOT OF GRAMMATICAL ERRORS & STUFF THAT I BELIEVE I LEFT OUT THAT I WILL BE CORRECTING OVER TIME AND THEN I’LL BE REPUBLISHING THIS POST. A SNIPPET OF MY BOOK THAT I’M WRITING.)

This is going to be a very hard post for me. All of my life, I have built up walls all around me because of past hurt and circumstances, not letting people get close to be. I always blamed it on my personality, being shy… But in Christ? We don’t have spirit of “shyness” or “timidness”, we have the spirit of boldness, courage, strength and we are more than conquerors through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. He’s called me to write this testimony (I say testimony because it is only through God’s strength, mercy, and grace that I have overcome all of this that I am about to share with you). I’m tired of saying “it’s hard to get to know me” or “I’m just a very shy person” … No, I refuse to be that way because God has NOT made us that way, and it kind of saddens me to look back on my life and see how LOST I was. I was lost in religion and ritual. I might as well have been just like an unbeliever because I sure definitely acted that way, but I was blind to it all. Until about a month ago.

Now I just want to forewarn everyone, a lot of things may come as a shock to everyone on here as I have not always been openly honest with everyone around me and I may even have a few people disliking me after this but honestly, I do not care. The real ones in my life will stick around, as for the others? Their season was just up in my life. Here goes: *DEEP BREATH*

THE COLD, HARD AND UGLY TRUTH

Part One: Childhood. Age 0-11.

First and foremost, I have to get something out: I am not from Compton, California as most people would say (I got that nickname “Katie From Compton” from a coworker back when I worked at the Catonsville Cat Clinic in 2006 and went along with it because I liked knowing where I was from and who I was and so therefore, I clinged on to it); however, when I was only about 2 months old, I know I moved around a lot across the United States. I don’t know my exact hometown, which has definitely caused a lot of confusion in my life. I’ll stick to Baltimore being my hometown as that is the last place I remember when I was a young child. As a young child, even before I was born, my father was abusive towards my mother and was constantly on drugs and alcohol. Most of my young childhood was a huge blur, although I remember certain details of it, the most I can remember is the pain I went through emotionally.. I was filled with a lot of bitterness and unforgiveness towards my father and I kid y’all not, I did not forgive him up until I was 18. He caused so much stress and trauma towards not only my mother, but to grandparents and at the time, I really hated him for that. The words that rang in my head for 18 years on and on was “My father lied to me”. That was it. That was enough to keep me in the bitterness state that I was in for so long. I held on to that. Now, I’m not saying my father was the worst person ever, because if I remember correctly, he tried to come back into my life for so many years after a decade of being gone. At one point, my mom and him tried to reconcile, but that’s a whole other story for a different day. I wouldn’t open up to him at all, I completely closed him out of my life, and I’ll tell you right now guys, I regret it SO MUCH. Every day I wish I could go back and try things again with him, to open up my arms and show him the grace and mercy God has shown me… But, I will leave that in God’s hands. If we are meant to reconcile again, God will find a way. If not, so be it.

A lot of what I did for 18 years was due to all the pain I had. I dug myself into a huge mess, I was so desperately seeking the attention I so desperately wanted and for the past 3 years, I’ve been arguing with God trying to find my way out and it wasn’t until something bad happened in my life that opened my eyes. Although it hurt a lot, it was what I needed and God has turned my life into a complete 180.

When I was in first grade, I stole from the school I was at, a Christian school at that. I stole, I was rebellious, I cursed a lot, I was bossy and controlling (yes, even as a young child) but I hid it from my parents (what I could get away with, anyways) and I got suspended a lot. On the flip side, most of my elementary and middle school years, I was made fun of because I was considered “weird”. I would always try my hardest to fit in with others (oh, what a mess that was) but it never worked. I didn’t know my identity in Christ.

Yes, I was born and raised in the church. Yes, I went to church every Sunday and cried when service was canceled when it snowed. Yes, I attended summer bible school and attended youth groups every Friday and had a very active family in the church. I look back and think how much fun it was, but sometimes, I felt I was just in a ritual. I didn’t know how to stand on God’s word, I didn’t know all of God’s truths, what I thought I knew for the past 20 and a half years, I actually didn’t!

I WAS A HYPOCRITE GUYS! FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, I WAS A HYPOCRITE!

(Sorry this is all over the place lol, I meant for this post to be more organized, I’m just writing as God talks to me, I do not have an outline planned for this post, didn’t feel the need to.)

I always prayed as a young child. I prayed for things that most children would not even think to pray about at the age of 8. What my prayers mostly consisted of: I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want to have my own house and car. I want to live the life that adults lived. Oh man, be careful what you pray for!

Part Two: Teenage/Youth Years. Age 12-19.

I’ll say it now, I was a rebellious, disobedient, and free spirit girl (still am, but with a more meaningful way now) throughout my teenage years. I was your typical teenager. I was (and still am) a party girl and all that typical teenagers were. Although, I’ve calmed down a lot in the past year, I balance things out better now thanks to the people around me that have influenced me positively. While I was still the shy, weird girl… I seemed to have had more luck in high school then I did back in middle school. I was a social butterfly, for the most part. I was still very shy, but I had more friends in high school. They kept me going everyday. I loved the friends that I had and still have to this day. The ones that I do still have now, they mean so much to me and don’t even realize how much of an impact they have on me! I love all of you guys. Okay, and ways lol back to topic. It wasn’t until the beginning of 10th grade that things began to get “bad” for me. I wouldn’t say bad like others affected me or whatever, but bad as in, 2008-2009 by FAR were the worst years of my life. I had my first REAL COMMITTED boyfriend in 10th grade and yes, I lost my virginity to him in 2008. That is honestly where I went wrong in my relationship. As a child of God, I see now why he asks us to wait until marriage to have sex. But I was so clingy and controlling and disrespectful towards him. He was such a nice and wonderful guy (we’re both Christians) but I treated him like utter crap and I feel so bad about it. Luckily though, he’s had a lot of patience to deal with my non sense and still stick around as a friend, even though I still treated him like crap for the past 5 and a half years and I applaud him and thank him for sticking around for so long because little does he know, he has been such and amazing leader, superhero, and a strong man that told me when I was wrong or headed down the path of destruction. But because of all the unknown pride I had, I never listened to him and belittled him 😦 It saddens me to look back now.

BUT ANYWAYS! I’m getting off topic YET AGAIN LOL.

So as I said though, I lost my virginity when I was close to 16 and that’s where my life headed for the worst. Me and my boyfriend broke up and I met a guy. I met him online and I thought he is such a nice guy. While I don’t want to go too much into detail with this, I slept around with him and 2 other guys at the time because I was young and naive and so lost. I thought if I gave him what he wanted, he would love me. I sickens me a how LOW I was in that time period. As time went on, he started showing his true colors. He was abusive (physically and emotionally) and was controlling. I was so scared to leave him because I knew that his sister was in a gang and if I ever DARED to tell on his brother, she would come at me. UGH! I dropped out of high school at the end of 11th grade and started home school for this kid. But lo and behold, one day I finally had the strength to leave him, with the help of my lovely best friend (who I mentioned in the last paragraph).

I never graduated high school for this kid who ABUSED me so that I could cook and clean for him. I was BRAINWASHED and dead spiritually. I never told anyone in my life I didn’t graduate because I was so scared of what they would think, I heard people in my space say how they felt about that stuff and lied. Point blank. Might as well not sugar coat it. While I am currently working on steps to obtain my diploma and did attend Ashworth University, it has been a LONG process for me. I regret making those decisions, to allow a boy in my life to decide my choices.

*I HEAR CHAINS BREAKING NOW*

While I continued in sexual immorality, I consciously made an effort to stop having sex altogether. I did it for a year and a half and then fell into temptation yet again. Went another year and fell into temptation. At one point I thought I had an STD… I talked to two of my best friends about it, but realized that by the grace and mercy of God, I wasn’t. After praying and healing. It was a back and forth cycle up until the beginning of THIS YEAR. I had had enough of this back and forth cycle, and God did too, apparently. God was so patient with me too. He knew my heart, he knew my intentions were good, I just didn’t know all the power that I had in Christ because I never learned. I was never taught. I just thought it was a part of my personality. Nah.

*MORE CHAINS BREAKING*

Now I’m going to talk about said relationship with the amazing guy I shared about a few paragraphs above because I feel that I must share ALL TRUTH with everyone. God sent him my way for a reason. I so believe he is in my life for a huge reason. We both have our sins, yes, but my sin caused him to sin and vice versa. However, this is not about him, this is about me. For so long, for the past 5 and a half years I was filled with idolatry (especially in my relationship), I was controlling, I had sexual immorality (which I have completely stopped by the grace of God), I was oh so prideful, I was bitter, I was unforgiving, I was hateful, I was full of anger, I was full of harsh words, I was full of selfishness, greed, lust, gluttony, addictions, envy, lying, disobeying God, people pleasing, insecurity, fear, anxiety, and the list goes on. I had good intentions with everyone around me but I was so lost and blind. I thought I had the perfect relationship with the Lord, I read the Bible every day, went to church every once in a while (I didn’t start going back to church habitually until August 2012). I was too filled with pride and self righteousness to see my own faults. I was focused on everyone else BUT me. I was focused on fixing everyone else BUT me. In other words, I was toxic human being. For 5 and a half year, I was disrespectful towards my ex when he was only trying to help, and everything that I listed above (I think I’m going to write a separate post about all of this since this is supposed to be about me being broken and coming clean about EVERYTHING).

So yes, for 5 and a half years, I was all of those things. It’s not an exhaustive list but it’s all that I can think of currently. I was just so timid and insecure and couldn’t speak up to tell the truth. While I know those around me know most of these things, they don’t know everything.

I am not here to receive praise for repenting and turning of my old ways, I am here because it was placed on my heart to share all of this with you guys and as I remember, I will add to this. But here I am. Bare naked with everyone around me. I’d rather it be ME that shares the truth then someone else. It took a lot for me to do this, a lot of saying “But God, why must I do this? Can’t I just repent and move forward?” No. That simply is not the case sometimes. It took a few weeks for me to finally say “Yes, Lord. Your will, not mine.” But if I want to move forward in this ministry and have an honest life, I must first be honest with everyone else around me. I know some of you will probably want to talk to me about the things I have written in this blog post and I welcome you to talk to me as you please! I am not ashamed now to talk about these things. Whether it be via email or in person, please… I ask you to come up to me and talk to me if you feel led to do so.

And to those that still wonder.

At one point in my life, I did think about becoming a stripper to provide for myself and those around me, but after LONG THOUGHTS and prayers, I decided not to.
Yes I am a performer, I perform for a crowd and dance and I love it oh so much! I wear special costumes and show off my best moves but I do not strip. My clothes/costume STAY ON.
Yes I party and go out to nightclubs and drink and will continue to do so but have learned to better balance things.
Yes I smoke hookah, although I haven’t in almost a year now, I will do it occasionally.
Yes I listen to secular music.. Although I don’t listen to mainstream music, now I’m more careful of what I listen to but yes, I still listen to secular music and probably always will. I believe there is nothing wrong with listening to secular music as long as it isn’t degrading. While my music taste has changed a lot since I turned back to God, I now listen to mostly worship music, I also listen to a lot of old hip hop, r&b, and rap music and also listen to trance, house, jazz, etc. Whatever I like, I listen to. I have a variety music taste. But now I’m more careful about what I listen to. I screen EVERYTHING I watch and listen to now. I’m more careful with my Spirit now. I take care of it.

I am who I am guys, I’m naturally a free spirit and I will mess up and sin in life. Period. I was born a sinner and always will be a sinner. I am always, each and every single day, in need of God’s loving grace and mercy. My heart NEEDS a revival and I am currently in the process of turning my life COMPLETELY back to Christ. I am now in LOVE with Him and am now learning the truths of Him so that I can continue down on this right path. I have chosen to wait until marriage to have sex again and have died to myself and live for Christ and I honestly cannot thank everyone in my life enough for their influences. You guys mean so much to me. I love you all and thank you for your patience and kind and loving words. I will reach out to some of you to help keep me accountable and to call me out when I’m doing something destructive in my life. I never want to go back to the old me again. That is why I die to myself every single day. I pick up my cross everyday.

This is not my official testimony but this is the rough draft of it. I believe God is going to lead me to write a book one day and this will be a part of it. I don’t know what the topic will be yet but oh my goodness do I thank God so much for never giving up for me and intervening in my life and saying to me “I have had enough of your rebellion and destructiveness and unstableness. I am taking over now.”

He provided a miracle and answered my undeserving praying because, you guys, you don’t understand how miserable and lost I was. How much I wanted to get out of that life style. To get away from my anxiety, fear, and social anxiety. I was CRYING out to God and he intervened and I don’t know how much I can thank Him!!!!!!! IT IS ALL BY HIS GRACE AND MERCY YOU GUYS!!!!!!!! IT WAS NOT ME!!!! It was ALL Him. He is the one that said it’s enough and intervened. Oh my lol. I could go on forever guys but I thank you for reading all of this. It means A LOT to me.

I am on the road to recovery now! I will turn all of this into a testimony for God! He’s got big things planned for me now!

Blessing, Love and Peace to all!
Dancing Dreamss.

PS: If you would like to email me, feel free to do so at marie.katie92@yahoo.com (working on getting a personal email for this blog/ministry… I will update you all when I do) with the subject “BROKENNESS” and whatever questions you have, I will answer them all to the best of my ability. 🙂

THANK YOU ALL! GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!

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